It’s done. I have moved house. Again.

This is the third time I have moved in just over a year and I sincerely hope that it’s the last for at least a couple of years. I am so tired with moving and feeling unsettled. At least now I have a plan: I am now working for myself as a freelance web designer and I have decided to concentrate on that for the next couple of years. The intention is to clear outstanding debts and save some money so that I can finally go and do some travelling before I get to the big four-oh.

I’ve never seemed to have much ambition or drive. Yet when I look back over the last 15 years of my working life, I must have done something right as I do appear to have a solid professional background. And that has held me in good stead in this next phase: I haven’t yet had to promote myself at all. I’ve had fairly consistent work for the last few months and am now getting referrals, so things are definitely looking up on the work front.

On the social side of things, it’s a bit hit-and-miss. Having moved away from my home town to scary London, it’s taking a long time to get to know new people. I joined the City Socialising website as a way of getting out to meet people and do things. It’s a great idea and I’ve already met some nice people. Just last night I went to Cargo for a night of music and food and had a great time with some people I had met a few times already and a few new strangers. I really want to make new friends here and start a new life, but it’s going to take some work and some time.

So why do I suddenly feel completely lost and uncertain?

Firstly, this latest move into a two bed flat on my own was a bit of a rash decision and I’m not too comfortable with rash. I’m usually pretty cautious, weighing up pros and cons before making decisions. This was the first flat I saw. I took it after seeing a second place which was awful. It’s not a bad flat by any means: it has everything I need, the main thing being the second room which will be my work space. I’ve craved a proper home office for years, so this is really great and it even has room for two large desks, so I can eventually get a second and start to experiment with drawing and painting again.

But something about the flat isn’t quite right. Have I been too rash? Or maybe I’m just too fussy. It’s quite a dark flat. It’s in a three storey purpose built block and doesn’t really have any character. It feels a little like being in a travelodge, especially in the bathroom which has no windows. It’s early days, I’m still living out of boxes and I don’t yet have a usable bed, though on Tuesday I shall take delivery of a rather expensive gorgeous pocket-sprung mattress for the bed frame that came with the flat. A good sleep will help a lot; I’m currently sleeping on the sofa.

Maybe it’s nothing to do with the flat at all and I’m just looking for things to attach my unease to. For the second time in my life, I have no regular income and every pound I earn is down to me. I made a bit of a hash of it the first time around, so I guess I’m a little uncertain about my ability to really make things work. This of course is nothing new. For the two people reading this blog, at least one of you knows me well and you know that I’ve always felt that I’m simply not good enough at anything I do. I’m not going to discuss why this crushing lack of self-belief is in me: I know already having looked at it for five years from the end of a therapist’s couch. Nevertheless, I have to try and push it aside and motivate myself to love myself and have faith in myself. And that can be difficult when everything in your life has changed and a simple hug from a friend seems a lifetime away.

And that’s really what it all comes down to. Love and friendship. I’ve made a very good job of convincing myself, and the world, that I can cope perfectly well on my own and that the only person who I can rely on is me. I’ve done such a good job of it that I believe it whole heartedly. It’s time to break down that belief, to stop running and hiding, to let the world in and enjoy the people in my life. At the end of the day, that’s the only thing that’s really worth anything.

Isn’t it?

Life Monitor with RSS | Respond | Trackback | Bookmark it!