Recently I was sauntering down the South Bank admiring the view of the Thames when I was stopped by a Japanese couple asking for directions. This always confounds me as I’m new to the city myself. Unaided, I can find Trafalgar Square, The British Museum, two lovely pubs that sell Harvey’s and a Tesco Metro; after that, I must resort to my bottom-warmed mini A-Z.

I’m a pretty helpful, friendly person so I try to help out as best I can. The man stops me and asks: “Ah, London Bridge Station?” I smile and vaguely point down river. “Oh, yes, it’s a bit of a walk, but simply follow the river east.”

“This way?”, he says, confusingly pointing west.

“No, east. That way.” I say, correcting him.

“OK. We walk east and see it?”

“Er, no actually, it’s not on the river. Go to the Golden Hinde and follow signs from there, it’s close by.”

“Golden Hinde?”

“Yes, it’s a boat, Sir Francis Drake’s actually”, I say, trying to sound like a knowledgeable local, pointlessly adding “Well, not his real boat. A replica.”

“We don’t want a boat. We want a train. From London Bridge.”

“Yes, I know, I was just pointing out the boat as a landmark. You can’t miss it.”

“Ah, OK, station is by boat?”

“No, but it’s nearby – there are plenty of signs that will direct you or you could ask someone when you get to the boat.”

“We don’t want boat. We want train.”

I sigh but try to remain helpful. “OK. Walk all the way to the boat and then ask someone else when you get there for directions to London Bridge.” At this point I suddenly realised that it was quite a walk and should probably have told them to get a tube. I hate giving out incorrect advice – it feels as if I’m taunting tourists deliberately – so as they are turning away, I stop them and say:

“Actually, you’d be better off getting the tube. It’s quicker.” The man looks brightly at me. He’s obviously used the tube before. “OK. Where is the tube?” I quickly have to think which one is closest as I’m still a tube newb.

“Waterloo is best. It’s near here. Get up onto the bridge using those steps there and walk south to the Imax.”

“Is that a boat?”

I can’t help but smile. “No, it’s a cinema. Very big and round. 3D. The station is near there, just follow the signs.”

“OK. Thanks. Oh. Also, how do we get to Trafalgar Square?”

I’m confused. Why does he want to go to Trafalgar Square from London Bridge Station? I ask the question.

“No, not from London Bridge. We want to see Trafalgar Square now.”

“What? When are you going to London Bridge Station?”

“Tomorrow.”

Shaking my head, I vaguely wave towards the other side of the river: “It’s that way.”

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